I, Chameleon

An essay by Nate Davis

When someone asks how being mixed has affected me, there's no simple answer; everything is vastly different because of the variety of backgrounds I come from. My particular mix is white, black, and Native American, and each one of those has a major impact on how other people view me, the opportunities i'm allowed, and the way I view myself.

How others view me is probably the most major effect of being mixed. What, somehow, others seem to think is the easiest way to live- being mixed, that is- I know to be, essentially, the worst combination of the social impacts of each. I'm white, but I get none of the social privilege. I'm black, but am “not black enough”. And even though the community shuns me, I still have to be wary around police and get swept under the rug by politicians. And speaking of being swept under the rug, while being native has one of the least impacts, as I wasn't born into the culture, I am constantly being told by people who have no right that I can’t claim native heritage. I think that sums up being mixed, honestly- everyone else telling us what we can and can't be. And yet, sob story aside, being mixed is probably one of the greatest gifts I could have been given. Yes, socially it can suck. But individually, it has provided a variety of opportunities and different ways I can approach any situation i'm placed in.

When one thinks of opportunities, very rarely are personal ideologies considered. And by that I mean the way we approach challenges is, in and of itself, an opportunity. Being mixed provided me mindsets that, because of how I grew up and how I was forced to adapt, gave me an advantage in the way I approach difficulties. I always have been on the outside of most communities, so I learned that the quickest way to get into a group was to be the best, and I wanted to be a part of every group. I picked up everything, from sports to music, anything I could do to be a part of a group of people. And once I started, I worked to the top as best as I could. That was an opportunity that was uniquely gifted to me because I was mixed. And sure, other people try hard, but the scope and effort of what I did was something I very rarely saw from others. And just as I physically got into everywhere I could, the same applied for me socially. I could adjust to most everyone’s preferences, like the same things they liked, talk the same way they talked. I got really good at making people comfortable. This particular skill became a very sharp double edged sword- I could, and can still, mold myself to most any individual or group of people, but in becoming so fluid, I lost any unique identity for myself. My personality became that of whatever group I was around at the time, but when I had no group, when I was alone, I hated myself. And as much as I could be accepted into any group, I was very rarely a true part of that group, especially in middle school. I stayed on the outskirts of everything, and made a variety of bad decisions in order to make my place in others hearts secured, and became a person I disliked severely. I had most every door, every opportunity, opened, but only a crack. With the exception of sports, I could never truly be a part of anything. My self value was determined by what anyone else thought of me, and I would do almost anything for a laugh or some affection. That was my mixed journey for opportunity: I was a bag in the wind, used and passed on by any who came in contact with me, and ignored or an annoyance to the rest.

The final major aspect of being mixed that I can go over in a relatively short amount of time is how it affected my opinion of myself. As I said before, for the vast majority of my life I viewed it as a curse that I would use occasionally as a blessing. I was well aware of the struggles it caused, and so I came to hate it and, by extension, myself. For the vast majority of my life, being mixed became synonymous with the worst parts about me, a separate entity from me that I directed all my hatred at, which, of course, meant I directed all my hatred at myself in general. I would only publicly identify as mixed if I could gain some sort of standing or benefit from it, vehemently denying it at all other times, and pretending to be everything, anything, else whenever I could. It wasn't until recently- as in the last year or two- that I truly began to appreciate it, that I stopped pushing it away and instead began to hold it close; which isn't to say there's been a perfect 180 turn, that there's no issues that I have with it and myself anymore. But the path i'm choosing to take now is one of acceptance, and with that acceptance eventually comes love. I actively work to accommodate and advertise all the parts of me, every racial and ethnic subsection that makes up my mosaic. I use my ethnicity to do what I love, to benefit others, to fight for everyone. The ability to fit in anywhere suddenly becomes to ability to empathize with anyone. My over-competitiveness I now recognize as active drive, and i'm learning to channel that where I want. The parts I previously labeled as weakness, to be hid and ignored with the hope that one day it's no longer there, now I recognize as strengths, and every strength I learn about develops a better image of myself.

How has being mixed affected my life? It’d be far easier, and much less writing, to say how it hasn't. But my journey through identity is simultaneously vastly different and inherently similar to that of millions of other mixed kids across the world. The differences available through the literal near-endless variety of cultures you can blend means that every time you reference someone as simply “mixed race”, you are talking about a severely different person and background. And yet, the similarities of each journey that I have seen, including my own, in facing social and self-imposed challenges gives every person like myself common threads to grasp. That's why i'm so happy to talk to and meet other mixed people, especially mixed creators. They are the only group that can truly understand the struggles, relate to your ups and downs, an understanding community. So, to make a long story short, being mixed effects my life in every way- it makes me.