Who I Am

A personal essay by Hailey Snyder

When I fill out applications that ask my race, I always check the box that says Black.

When people ask my race, I tell them I'm black. What most people don’t know is that I’m mixed. I'm black and white. My father is mixed and my mom is not. Before you hurt yourself trying to figure out how mixed I am exactly, I will tell you I’m only a quarter white. When people find out my exact mix, I am told that I’m barely mixed or that it doesn’t count. Even though I don’t acknowledge it on applications and when asked, I still acknowledge that side of my family when important. I believe my race doesn’t matter when it comes to who I am as a person. Even though I’m only a quarter white, the way people view me and the way I view myself is affected on a daily basis.

Allowing people to know I am mixed has allowed a wide selection of micro-aggressions to be placed on me. I don’t look mixed. I don’t shout from the rooftops that I’m mixed. I’m often told that because I have country and pop music in my playlist, I’m barely black. Because I like certain foods, movies, and activities, I am told I’m barely black. When I am around my black family members that I only see every few years, I am laughed at because of my differences.

Yes, I listen to rap but that’s not the only thing I listen to.

Yes, I enjoy sports but I don’t want a career as an athlete.

These differences allow a division between myself and my family that makes me wonder if I’m wrong for liking the things I like.

I question whether or not I should acknowledge the other side of me because of this.

Although I am mixed with white, I don’t receive any of the privilege that comes along with it. I still get scared when I see the police because I never know what could happen. I am automatically categorized as the “loud black girl” even though I sit in the back and keep my mouth shut. I'm stereotyped and always looked at in a negative way. I’ve learned to embrace my identity and not worry about what others think at times.

On a much more positive note, being mixed has allowed me to adapt to different surroundings, people, and communities. I can fit in wherever I go and connect with people. I can adjust to any situation. People sometimes automatically ignore the fact that I am mixed and categorize me in their idea of what a black girl is. Often times those thoughts are negative. Being mixed has allowed me to ignore those categories. Society may set certain standards for me but I’ve learned to move beyond them with the help of my family and friends.

I personally want to learn how to accept my identity as a whole.

Even though I say I embrace my identity, I feel like I can accept it a little more. I don’t want to feel ashamed or out of place when I tell other black people that I’m mixed. I don’t want to be laughed at when other white people find out that I’m mixed with white. I want to meet more people like me who can relate to the struggles of not fitting in.

I want to meet people who can understand me in a way nobody else can.

Being mixed isn’t just a label or an option that I select on an application. Being mixed is something that affects my life on a day to day basis.