Being Mixed in China - A Reflection by Natalie Lillig

Written early 2020, age 22  

I am the daughter of a German immigrant and a Singaporean-Chinese immigrant who spent the first eight years of her life in Southern California, then the next 10 in Asia, attending local schools, before moving back to America. In the past five years of living back in the states, I have lived in SoCal, South Dakota, Oklahoma, and Michigan. Here is my story. 

In the states, during those first 8 years, I did not feel like I was different for being mixed. When I came back for a year in third grade to fourth grade, I still did not feel any different than any other kid racially, just that I was that weird kid who joined in the middle of the year. 

In Asia, that was a different story. I was extremely blonde as a kid, like platinum blonde, and my Chinese side was erased (yea, typical halfie experience) even though my face itself is very Chinese looking. Today, my hair is a mix of blonde and light brown. Both my parents had strong values from their respective cultures, and those values got instilled in me. I knew the traditions that both families had and celebrated them with both sides. People talk about how POC minorities get made fun of in the US, and they do, but I was a minority in Singapore. The moment I would mention that I was half German and half Chinese, but from the US to a fellow classmate, I was labeled “German”. Not American, not Chinese-- German.

I distinctly remember being bullied for 5 years because I was different. I barely had any friends ages nine to fourteen. I was called “Nazi” by some boys in elementary school because that’s what we learned about during history, that Germans were known for being Nazis. When I spoke in Singlish, I was seen as a try-hard. When I spoke in Chinese, my friends looked at me weird and told me to stop. When I spoke in an American accent, I was told that I was showing off. Nothing I could do made me accepted. When I was fourteen, because of all the bullying I went through, I became really depressed and suicidal and I started seeing a counselor. As a result, depression and anxiety have become a part of who I am, but through that experience, I learned to accept myself and not try to confine me to any stereotype. I figured that if people were not going to like me for things I could not change, I might as well be myself. 

I knew both my cultures because I was lucky enough to have visited Germany, lived in China, and Singapore and I never let anyone boil me down to one thing. As mentioned earlier, during that phase of my life, I learned to accept who I was, speak my mind and tried to be the most genuine person I could because I never wanted someone to feel alone. In Singapore, I never felt like I was Chinese and it was really frustrating. When I moved back to the states, I was taken for as I was, mixed and it felt so nice. Except, of course, for an occasional person, not specific to any race, would only recognize my Chinese side, and sometimes I would get the stereotypes pinned on me and I would call them out for that. 

Last year, I joined two mixed groups on Facebook and saw how much locale really changes your perception of who you are and how you might face an identity crisis. I wish that people would accept themselves for who they are instead of erasing one side to try and make them someone they aren’t. DNA percentages are just percentages, but they do not dictate your experience nor the culture that you grew up with. I find it wonderful that people try to go back to their roots, but I also feel like sometimes it goes too far as having people trying to speak for a culture that they do not understand. 

The point I’m trying to make is that just because the experience in once country is one way, do not take away from someone else’s experience in another country and do not speak for those people, either. I’ve also learned from having the experience to living in both America and Asia is that the American Asian experience is far different than the Asian-Asian experience and neither one should speak for the other. If a matter hurts Asian Americans, then the Asian Asians should not speak for the matter and vice versa. Location matters on perception and understanding. We should try to understand and learn, but not speak for those who know the situation best.