Not Enough - Poem by Isabelle Bowkett

Not Enough

I’m not white enough

I’m not indian enough

I’m stuck

I’m not enough

My parents growing up 

In the 60s, 70s

Learned one community

One way 

One life 

One hate 

Or One love

But I straddle

Two communities

Two ways

Two lives

And Two hates

People ask 

What are you 

Where you from

Colour don’t matter

Same question.

I gotta be a chameleon

Or I gotta be nothing

Going home

Shoes Off

Slippers On

Headscarf in the kitchen 

‘Don’t let the smell get in your hair’

Spicier food than expected of a little child

Protesting over English

Loving Indian

Food the center of it all

Having spicy food dialed back

Everyone can eat

Going out 

And being told

That is not good enough

And I spiral again

Not brown enough

Not white enough

Not enough.

I want to say 

I hate my identity

Or half of it

To validate myself

To society

I can’t.

I am everything 

It doesn’t say on the tin

Brown

Indian, if you will

Who can’t speak the language

Because my family has been here 

50 years

That makes me less to many

Paler skin

Can’t speak Hindi

Fake Asian

Why do you decide Asian.

White

English, if you want

Consider it bland

Or devoid of culture

But my father knows more mythology than you

White don’t mean boring

It just means luck of the status quo

Darker though

That year-round tan 

Might be white girl dream 

But elicits white girl hate

You say 

I am not enough

Well I say

I am enough

Brown girl skin

White girl eyes

White father knowledge 

Brown mother science

I am enough.

Just because I avoid 

Obvious hate

Through lighter skin

Don’t mean I don’t get it

Pealing in like church bells

From darker places

Society say choose

I say no

Let me

Be London to the bone

In a skin

Milky tea brown

Eyes blue as the sky 

Because you whisper

I am not enough

I scream 

I am brown enough

I am white enough

I choose how to walk the line,

Not you.

So that’s it

My two minutes

Breaking the silence 

At 11 o’ clock